Cancer, Anger, Jesus, and the Wise

Does this blog have the freedom to be whatever it wants to be?  Anonymity has a kind of shackled freedom when personal experience is what gives depth and substance to the alien echo of frustration.

So, what is this blog really?  It is meant as a dump of my thoughts.  The name, boiled smart frog, meant to be ironic.  For if the frog is boiled, then smart is moot, no?  And so we move forward…

Two weeks ago, I was pretty convinced that there was a good chance I had under a year of life left.  For someone as young as myself, this is not a realization that came easily.  And just as quickly as I had finally come to terms with that fact, it seemed as though the opposite were true.  That the cancer would finally lose and life, as normal as possible, could continue. 

I couldn't be happy.

You can't just switch that quickly.  I was still transitioning.  I was simply incapable of believing any other scenario, because the hardest thing to believe, that I would indeed die, was finally absorbed.  As difficult as that is to accept, it is even harder to shed.  And as I try, there were other developments that suggest that life may still be in peril.  And so it continues...

For almost a year now I have ridden this rollercoaster, but this latest swing has struck me dumb.  In the wake of chemo, surgery, and civil disappointment, I lay in a room waiting my fate knowing I can do nothing.  Nothing to aid or defeat my cancer.  Nothing to move or shake the present political climate.  Nothing to help perpetuate a cultural shift that western civilization has been waiting to make since democracy was an idea.

One thing is for sure… My anger is not owned.  It is not owned by the cancer, nor the political climate, nor line cutter at the local taco bell.  Oh, things infuriate me.  But my anger exists because I'm angry. Period.

When someone tries to tell me what their opinion is on what proper nutrition is, I get angry.  When I think about how they are repeating the things they have heard, things marketed to them, things told to them by friends to reinforce unproven truths without spending a day tracking their diets in a food diary to really see what meat and diary does to your overall daily nutrition - well - that should make me sigh… cry… laugh… but I shouldn't really be angry, they are not affecting me in anyway.  Whether you are perpetuating the falsehood that a plant-based diet is a radical, unhealthy lifestyle, or pushing the exaggeration that meat eating is a body killing evil act, you are rightfully clinging to a belief, because at the end of the day we must choose.  Even if its just for that day.

And when someone tells me that that damn Obama is really screwing things up… or worse, that he hasn't done enough for his supporters… I get angry.  Really?  Sigh...cry...laugh.  But anger isn't necessary.

When I see our culture slowly sliding into a state of excess, corruption, and self-righteous mediocrity,  so similarly like our fallen ancestors… I get so, so angry.  But does it truly matter? 

Dying this year, or in a hundred years, will not change one simple fact: I am a micro moment in a small living system floating through an infinite abyss.  The game of statistics does not play into the story of the universe, because when the amount of samples is infinite, the probability is always 100%.  This need to make mine count, my society, my life, my country, my family, my species, my planet, my time.  I want it to be apart of me somehow and for me to be apart of it.

And I am.

But never like I want it to be. 

Even personal fame is finite.  Historians with crushes are usually the last of the folks to remember fame, then it dwindles out with the rest.  The only thing that survives, if it survives, is an idea that is far from the real entity.  Jesus the idea has survived, however the man who tried to start civil conversations with the tax collectors while promising love to the poor as a resolve to the hardened times - that man has been lost, bastardized, and taken without context.  Even by those with the purest intentions.  Almost a worse fate.  Fortunately, even he will be simply a footnote as a God worshipped by that civilization that existed at that time, and perhaps the real Jesus will finally rest easy, if there is such a thing as RIP.  God, I hope so, he certainly deserves it.  At least I think so.

The wise, in my mind, always portrayed a state of calm.  No outwardly over emotional moments.  Anger does not exist to the wise, because the wise know the productive value of anger is zero and the justification is less. 

The wise understand that even if they do not possess the ability to empathize with an aggravating situation or entity, that does not mean that there isn't the understanding that empathy could not be achieved or deserved by that situation or entity.

The wise understand that no matter how evil or sinister an action may be, they could have performed the same action under the right circumstances.

The wise realize that we are a collection of memories and learned behaviors.  That a stroke can change a personality, an experience can change a person, and a person is never static nor a single character.  They also understand that the world around them look upon it with flat eyes.  Forgiveness and dynamic characters only exist after hard-to-gain time.

I have yet to meet the wise.  I am not wise.  I am angry.  But I'm working on it.

DIY Democracy

Piece of shit, middle of the night cartoon number 2.  Help help, the kitchen is on fire, lets hurry up and put out the living room! 

Visionaries need not apply

Its been said time and time again... trickle down theory doesn't work.  And why?  Because the money stays at the top, whereas if it is distributed to the bottom, the bottom spends it on goods which trickle up creating profit, demand, and more jobs to meet that demand.

There is more to it though.  It seems as though the general impression out there is that the market will right itself because companies want to be successful.  However the corporation, a government created entity invented to allow less risk to entrepeneuers, creates a new dynamic.  More specifically, the publically shared company, changes things.

We live in a short gain world.  I always complained that these executives of these larger companies never look at the long term picture.  their job should be to look 10 to 20 years down the line, but they don't and still get paid bonuses when things go to shit.  it made me angry.  I thought, Can't they see that long term success and social regulation will be good for everyone including themsleves?  I asked, Why do they not plan for large problems like the auto industry collapse?

Then I had another perspective given to me.  the public shared company.  No one plans for the long term because it really isnt in their best interest.  the investors of the company want quarterly results, and wont own the company past a generation.  Its not like a family owned company that wants the company to do well for 100s of years.  they do not care, they have no stake in the company beyond their short gain.  Their own lifetime.  that is why the market will never correct itself. 

Look at other examples like Romney's Bain company.  One side says they had a lot of success with companies, and the other side says that they destroyed them.  They are both right.  Like so many groups out there, Bain takes a company, puts itself in the payroll, cuts costs, and pushes for as much profit as possible in a short period of time.  They arent in the business of making companies that will last forever and grow into wonderful entries in history.  They make all the right decisions for a short term gain, jump ship, and watch as the company crumbles or treads in their wake.

this is extremely sad for me for two reasons.  One is I always wanted to be a business owner.  Someone who created a company for the long hall, built it up slowly and diliberately with faith that the customer base will continue to grow as my products maintain and exceed expectations time and time again.  happily, i wanted to build a business that would look for new ideas and bring them to reality in a grand way without  compromise.

i wanted to be a visionary.  and that is the second reason I am sad.  The present sitatuation makes it extremely hard for visionaries to be successful.  It used to be that if you where an innovator who worked hard and looked to improve something constantly, you could start a company and make your mark on the world.  would i be a visionary? Beats me, but there are many in the world that could be.

That isnt how it happens today.  Many try and are swallowed up or forced to make compromises that take control from their company slowly.  

It has become apparent to me that if I want to run a business the way I would like to and start something special... i would not  be successful.  I would have to compromise principles, give decision making power away, and downsize my vision if i wanted to be wealthy and have my company succeed.

I am unsure what the answer is, but it certainly puts another approach on the table.  If we changed the rules in which a company is incorporated and remains a corporation, perhaps we could force new companies to have smaller groups of owners with long term stakes.  That could change the canvas of our corporate world.

Or perhaps it goes back to civil accountability again.  Only this time to the millions of stock holders who need to start demanding long term plans and projections and dismissing short term accomplishments as unnecessary.  

Whether its Obama, a company's quarterly finances, or a product in a grocery store, the short term has always been what drives us.  and because of that we have a president who is  being publically assissinated, companies who create 20 year scenarios fit for the apocolypse, and products that harm the very people they claim to help.  and we quietly cheer (even as some complain or protest) as it happens.

assassination

Absolutes, OWS, religion, neighborhoods, and the questioning of myself

Something has bugged me for the last month.  A nagging in the back of my mind.  I reread my posts and most of the time I still agree with them, but I feel as though I may be representing myself incorrectly.  By not falling into the usual rhetoric, I think I'm painting myself as a uber-conservative to the left and a damn liberal to the right.

Which is kind-of funny.

The problem, I think, is because a lot of my thoughts aren't about absolutes.  I never have a hard and fastened opinion on anything.  At least not an opinion that I completely trust.  And beyond that, the solutions I believe to be true are dependent on the timeframe. 

For instance - the occupy movement.  I write a lot about the people needing to become better critical thinkers.  They need to become smarter consumers.  This sounds like the usual BS that I have been reading on the forums that suggest the OWS folks are lazy losers who need to find a job.  That's not my opinion at all.  In fact, I visited the OWS in Manhattan and enjoyed it immensely.  I have also been cheering since the movements inception.

I guess the problem is I'm looking too far ahead.  The first steps are for the people to rise up and become aware.  They need to point at those who have let them down and demand change.  The discussion has changed, and it was OWS that did it.  Now we have awkward moments where Cantor is making strange speeches about the middle class.  This is good news.  Because it is strong enough (I hope) to allow a majority of folks to give a second look at the policies that are being thrown together.

Ultimately, in the short term the answer is to get money out.  Out of the process altogether.  When money and politics dictate policy instead of reason, logic, and compromise, nobody wins in the long run.

But the market doesn't look in the long run.  It looks for the short gain.  It always has.  I have said it time and time again in discussions over the years, but particularly in the last few years.  How could the automobile industry fail so miserably?  How could the banks?  The CxOs are paid big bucks to look five, ten years down the line.  They set the long term course and rely on the directors to handle day to day.  Sure, sometimes the reality of the world makes it impossible to succeed, but not THAT badly?  Especially when its clear that a lot of the policies that have lead to these disasters were of a direct result of lobbying from the very same companies. 

That's why the bonuses made me mad.  I didn't think that money could have went to better use… a million is a drop in the bucket when you are talking about trillions.  And I am not a big fan of the whole "it doesn't affect me, but I am mad that someone got something and I didn't" mentality.  But the fact that these guys still got their bonuses after they failed to avoid calamity.  Bonuses are for when you succeed above and beyond.  Somehow this general attitude of rewarding mediocrity is across the board (no pun intended) and these folks expect a bonus even when they did not act for the company's best interest in the long term.

Short gains is where they focus.  Short gains is what politicians focus on.  And short gains is what resonates with the people. 

So when I say things like, "We the people need to start taking responsibility for the fact that we gave our power away."  Some take that as advice on what we need to do tomorrow to fix this problem.  It is not.  It is what we need to do so that in the long term we can avoid this situation again.  It is my thoughts on the cause of the symptoms, not the symptoms themselves.

Right now, we need more government regulations.  Right now, we need higher, progressive taxes (for the middle class too, in my humble opinion).

However, if we do not start to honestly discuss the reason (fair individual rights versus the prosperity of a society) then we will end up in the same position eventually.  Either there will be back lash through very expensive marketing that allows the GOP to roll back these changes, or the pendulum will swing the other way and politicians will start to advance the regulatory powers and control over information so that they can start to make the government more powerful at a great expense to its people.

I feel as though I need to say this because I read extreme views in forums everyday.  The black and white opinions - the with-me-or-against-me thoughts that require one to make a very specific stance. 

Some say that we no longer have a government that represents us.  I think they do, but we don't see it because we don't want to admit that the mandates given are what was pushed after election.  However, the alarm is real.  Because in the end, we want the government to represent our best interests… and that is, for sure, not happening.

The anti-big government, tea party, defeat Obama Foxinites out there are a whole other story.  They represent an even deeper level of ignorance.  I think that is why I sound so conservative to some folks in my posts… or at least anti-OWS.  because I feel the need to discuss and break down an agenda that actually makes sense - which doesn't leave much room to respond to the garbage that comes from the arrogance of the right wing presently.

I am friends with many who are that way.  I am tired of telling them that their opinion is the same as mine just on the other side of the coin.

It is not.

While I may have some view points that I hold to strongly based purely on a belief derived from a biased source, I do not completely disregard critical thought so I can ignore the fact that our system is broke.

Sadly, the breaking started with these folks.  Many of whom I have a great deal of love for.  But we don't talk politics, because when I try to explain a point that takes more than a sentence, I get interrupted so they can have 'Fox Turrets ', spewing claims that are neither fact based or realistic.  Mostly they are delivered with a mixture of anger, arrogance, and pride.  A deadly mix that usually means the discussion isn't suppose to be a dialogue, but rather a patronizing exercise where I am to be educated.

I find this attitude similar in so-called religious advocates.  I adore true Christianity, though I myself am agnostic.  But what really disappoints me is the technique of 'religious experience' to sway public opinion.  In history we can see this.  You take music, symbols, and ceremony and mix it with unfalsifiable facts like "Jesus is the son of God" and viola you have a prepped listener.

Prepped for what?  Well ancient China used it to attack Japan.  Hitler used it to persuade a nation to loath an entire subset of people and allow horrendous things to transpire.

It is very powerful.

And it is no different here.  It doesn't have to be a specific religion.  It’s the approach.  The arrogance that the speaker was once lost like the listener, but now has come to a revelation.  The romantic notions of freedom.  Fanfare and symbolism.  All emotional facts that really cannot be proven untrue, because none of them are literal enough to nail down.  And then hatred and fear pointed to whatever you need it to point at… socialism, the middle east, Muslims, regulations, planned parenthood, taxes, Obama… on and on.  Finally, with this all done, you can make the people believe whatever you want.

It is easy, also, because human beings want to group themselves together.  Hell, people actually argue with me that being agnostic isn't a belief and that I am either atheist or believe in God.  I can't say, "I don't know."  Requiring me to answer yes or no to such an abstract, philosophical question is arrogant and shameless.  But we instinctively hide behind social normalizations to make it acceptable.

I don't know if there is a God or not.  And further more, if there is a God, I am not sure if it is self-aware or is omniscient purely because it isn't.  I believe that the truth is probably beyond our comprehension because of things like "infinity" being an idea that our brains simply can't handle.

If you want to assign names and symbols to that unknown and construct a belief around it so that in your day to day you have some guide, that is fine.  And actually welcomed.  Science continues to explain more and more, revealing to me more of "God" each day.  And what it doesn't explain, religion does.  And I'm cool with that.

If you are not cool with me going to Church, enjoying the teachings of Christianity (and many other religions for that matter) and the communal feeling of sharing a spiritual sense with those around me, while not participating in the straight up "call and response monotone chanting" and still remaining firm that I am not firm on the whole believe in God issue, then - respectfully - fuck you.

Maybe it’s the definition of God that is the problem.  You define your God for me and perhaps I can answer whether I believe or not.  A guy in a beard who can walk and talk - no.  Love the idea in fictional stories.  I also love magic and vampires.

That's really the problem, isn't it?  That we have our own definition of things and easily slip into the idea that it is common sense.  But there is no such thing as common sense.  There are societal trends for a particular time period - but I have seen best friends hit upon something they thought they agreed on and it completely shattered there perspectives on each other when they realized they didn't.

And this belief that it is common sense allows us to say that it is absolutely true.

Most of the time, the most violent altercations I get into do not involve me trying to make someone else believe my ideas on something, but rather asking someone to, for a minute, consider they may be wrong.  Wow, people don't like that.  Sure, they are trying to force their beliefs down my throat, but when I respond that I might be wrong, but they could be too, its like I shoved someone in the lunch line.

You combine that with the subconscious truths we hold so close to our hearts and you have the means to start wars.  What are subconscious truths?  Well they are the things that you believe in because they were taught to you when you were young, or through some secondary means, and you never actually had to say it out loud and defend it.  And when you do, you realize how crazy it is. 

That happens to me all the time.  The GOP is really good at handling this.  They 'double down'.  They refuse to admit they were wrong.  Thanks to Fox news, most folks are handed talking points to help them through this troubling moment.

The other thing that happens to me is realizing, even after saying things out loud, researching, and forming a very certain opinion, that I was wrong.

I can be so sure of myself.  I can believe that there is no way possible that I am wrong.  But then I realize I'm wrong.

What's the lesson from this?  To realize that you can be almost absolutely sure on something,  but you can never rule out the idea that you were wrong.  This is why I don't believe in the death penalty.  We do it in God's name, while preaching that man is fallible and God is the only judge.  We have a system that is based on the idea that "truth" is an ideal that you strive for but never completely obtain.  So you have two sides arguing and an outside group of people decide.  This is as close to true as we can come.

So why is it that we can say, after all that, that there are circumstances where we can proceed with a punishment that is permanent as long as we are sure "beyond a shadow of a doubt" when inherent to our major beliefs suggests that there is never a time that we are beyond a shadow of a doubt?

People always suggest that there are times when you can be sure.  That you can have the guy admit that he did it, or you can catch it on camera, or you could have seen it yourself.  I don't buy it.  Doesn't matter how much evidence you have, there is always a chance you are wrong.  Always.

When I realized I was wrong after being absolutely positive on something, I took it as a lesson learned.  I proceed now with the idea that I could be wrong and that no-one can be absolutely right.  All we can hope for is to choose the best likely answer, take small steps, and adjust frequently.

So why is it the majority doesn't?  I have seen folks come to the realization that something they were sure about was incorrect, shrug their shoulders and say "Oops", and then turn around and run with another thing they are "absolutely sure" on.  Back to back like that.  It amazes me.

That is why its hard for me to finally come around to the conclusion that those I discuss politics with who are adamantly tea-partiers are NOT the same as me just the other side of the coin.  Could they be right?  Sure.  Could I be wrong?  Definitely.

But, I have no problem thinking that the chance that they are wrong is incredibly steep, while the chance that I am at least in the right neighborhood is pretty good.

So when I watch shows like Rachel Maddow and she says, "I am a liberal."  I am forced to think to myself how that can't be true.  Sure she is biased to her opinion.  But the discussion she brings to the table are brought with cited sources and accountability.  And they contain a mixture of ideals that in my book constitute a painted mixture that cannot be grouped to one side or the other.

It just so happens that if you are not on the side of the GOP, then you are a liberal.  Can't be agnostic.  Can't be in the middle.

And the way I see it, those who call themselves "liberals" are more in the right neighborhood then those who call themselves "Independents".  And those who truly believe the republican rhetoric today aren't even in the right stadium.

Which is why I can't help but to focus more on the fact that we need to be more critical in our thinking as a people and return to the original discussion again.  So that we can all be neighbors again, and move forward - in whatever direction suits us for us.

Representative Government?

There seems to be a growing sentiment that we no longer live in a country with a representative government.  This view point which I see as passing the buck and a bit exaggerated, has gained credibility throughout the ranks of occupy wall street among other places.

Do I think we are in a lot of trouble and need to make some course corrections before we collapse?  Yes.

Do I think that the politicians in Washington do not represent our best interests?  Sure.

Do I think that we now live in a fake democracy where the people have lost their power?  Absolutely not.

We still have freedom to make up our own mind, cast our one vote per person, and elect officials into the government.  And we do.  Frequently.  We are just terrible at it.

The problem is that we elect the official that had the best marketing campaign.  Commercials continually drum us with reasons why a particular candidate is the equivalent of Satan and why another is the solution we have been waiting for.  They use misleading information and manipulation, sure.  But the real success lies in their ability to persuade people to support real policies that the politician will champion as a result of financial backing.

So we the people vote for a candidate based on the fact that we believe what they are going to do is good for us.  They do what they said they would do.  And its not good for us.  They still represented what we voted for.

Lets say that again:  They represent what we voted for.

Simply because someone else persuaded the majority of us to do it, doesn't take away from that fact.

So while you point your fingers at wall street executives and politicians because you are disappointed in the job they are doing, remember that while you have every right to do that (and I certainly agree with you), we the people have complete control over the hiring process.  Propaganda has dictated what we the people think, but we always held the power to vote how we think.

The issue here is the fact that it is so damn easy to co-op what the public thinks.  And the public is so unwilling to drop their emotion, swallow their pride, and admit that they were taken for a ride.  Feel free to fire the politicians and be critical of the corporations that lobby for their own interests, but never forget that ultimately the power they have is a direct result of we the people handing it over with a smile on our face.

What's the answer?

Well there is short term and long term.  There is how we have fixed things in the past and how we should truly become better as a people.

The short term answer is to create rules that prohibit corporations to donate huge sums of money to politicians and to prohibit marketing of any kind to be done on behalf of candidates or parties.  To restrict, basically, any information about the election to debates and strict news reporting.

The perfect response to creating a pendulum swing in the other direction… which will lead to another crisis down the road. 

The problem with that is once you have legal outlines that draws a line in the sand like that, no matter what your intentions are, you create a situation that can be abused down the line.  Control of information is simply a slippery slope we don't want to travel down. 

The fact of the matter is the information handed out in this country by the major media players is already controlled by an alarmingly small group of people.  If we decide to take that power away and hand it to the government (a liberal solution replacing a conservative one) I would be more in favor of it than the current situation, but we still have a problem.  We still have a situation where the information can be compromised by those in power.  "For the good of the people".  Hello ministry of truth.  Great today, bad tomorrow when folks figure out how to use it.

So where does that leave us?  Well throughout history you see how power eventually corrupts one side or the other and the propaganda machine allows an imbalance of power that implodes and leads to destruction and rebirth.  My question for the American people is, aren't we ready to move past that?  Isn't it time to take the next step?

People have stood up and complained that there are issues we need to fix, an imbalance in the system, and an inappropriate order of priorities for our elected representatives.  If we succeed and the system is balanced again, we fix the problem essentially, but still leave us vulnerable.

And the door has already been opened.

Information has never been so abundant and accessible as it is now.  And there are plenty of folks cashing in big time.  Winning today does not stop the problem from arising very quickly once again.

What we need is a cultural enlightenment.  We need to keep the disappointment in our representatives but drop the self-entitlement.  We need to be held accountable.  We need to realize as a society that while we are not expected to know the details of the decisions being made, we are expected to look at what we are told with a critical eye.

Passing along an email with no citations or peer reviewed facts should be looked upon as rude and insulting.

A commercial with more romantic language than facts should be viewed as condescending.

And peer reviewed information by experts in their fields should be the first and most reviewed information the public should use as testimony for what is good for this country.  And by that I don't mean the CEO of a company, or that one economist in Tennessee with a radical belief.  I mean the collective opinion of professions specific to the topic in question.  Economists, anthropologists, medical doctors and researchers, etc participating in a peer reviewed process.

We don't need to know the answers, we just need to stop believing every answer presented to us because emotionally we are attached to the commercial by a company that has no face and we know nothing about.

Because in a work setting, you can get mad at your employee for screwing up, but if you are their manager and gave them the power to make that mistake, then ultimately your boss will hold you responsible.  We the people are mad at those we hired.  We are responsible for the hiring.  Its okay to make mistakes, but lets learn from them and demand more of those who wish to represent us.  Lets demand policies that are in congruence with opinions from experts.  Lets ignore and discredit propaganda and marketing that does not have a transparent source nor a transparent and legitimate citation to back their facts.

Lets demand a discussion in Washington that is a legitimate discussion on how to govern this country and not just theater to cover up the true agendas.

There are those who think the people complaining are self-entitled jerks looking for handouts.  Do I think my generation and those coming after me have been raised on the idea that mediocrity should be rewarded?  Absolutely.  But that doesn't mean that the problem is not very real - it just means we are less likely to realize that we are going to need to do some work to change too.